Last night, I fell asleep watching Easy Rider. Peter Fonda and Dennis Hopper met Jack Nicholson in a jail cell when my eyes shut. Jack escapes but gets picked up by the cops along with Morgan Freeman, an ex-con who has jumped parole and was crossing the border into Mexico to meet up with Tim Robbins. Jack and Morgan are sent to a mental institution where they watch the World Series on a blank TV and make bucket lists together. Meantime, Dennis and Peter are released and continue across America. Dennis gets in a knife fight with James Dean but when the latter drives his car off a cliff, Dennis saves Natalie Wood from jumping over the cliff, too. Natalie is married to Christopher Walken who has invented a machine that records brainwaves. Walken makes a loop of the tape so that he can relive his time in Vietnam when he had to play Russian Roulette with Robert DeNiro. After several clicks, DeNiro and Walken kill their guards and flee into the jungle where they are joined by Martin Sheen, who has come up river to end Marlon Brando’s command with extreme prejudice, and Charlie Sheen who keeps going on about Willem Dafoe’s overly-dramatic death. One morning on a beach, Robert Duvall tells them how he feels about the smell of napalm before he runs off to put a horsehead in someone’s bed. When the entire platoon is wiped out, Tom Hanks carries DeNiro to safety. DeNiro returns to home to marry Meryl Streep and becomes a taxi driver. Meryl has just won custody of her son from Dustin Hoffman in a bitter court battle. In despair, Hoffman moves in with John Voight, a local gigolo. While in a prison camp, Walken had hidden his watch up his butt so that he could give it to his son, Bruce Willis. When Bruce has to return to his apartment to retrieve the watch, he shoots John Travolta coming out of the bathroom. Dennis Hopper is so disturbed by Walken’s story that he plans to blow up a bus using the watch as a timer. Fortunately, Keanu Reeves rescues Sandra Bullock from the bus in the nick of time and dodges the bullet that Bruce fired at Travolta by leaning over backwards real fast. Keanu frees Laurence Fishburne but the latter turns into James Earl Jones because I can never keep those two straight. Jones is kidnapped by Kevin Costner who says they have to go to a baseball game. While driving across America, they shoot Dennis Hopper off his motorcycle. Peter Fonda goes to visit his sister Jane, his father Henry, and Katherine Hepburn at a secluded lake house. When Hepburn tells Henry she wants to become an African missionary, he has a heart attack. She runs to get help from Cary Grant who is up on a dinosaur skeleton. The skeleton collapses forcing Cary to go on the run to Rapid City where he climbs down Mount Rushmore with Eva Marie Saint. She has stolen the Maltese Falcon containing the microfilm from James Mason. Having lost both the microfilm to Eva and Judy Garland to stardom, Mason walks into the Pacific Ocean where he’s eaten by a shark. Roy Scheider, Robert Shaw and Richard Dreyfus pursue the shark in a small boat called the Orca. Scheider kills the shark by exploding a compressed air tank with a rifle even though that didn’t happen in the book. They all move to Chicago where Dreyfus becomes a high school music teacher, Shaw gets taken in a horse betting sting by Robert Redford and Paul Newman, and Scheider helps Gene Hackman track down french drug runners. Hackman goes on a cruise to Hawaii but when a giant wave capsizes the ship, he, Shelley Winters, and Ernest Borgnine have to escape through the hull. Hackman and Winters don’t make it but Borgnine gets out, swims to Honolulu, and joins the Army where he menaces Frank Sinatra until the Japanese bomb Pearl Harbor. Eva, meanwhile, has mailed the Falcon to Humphrey Bogart who proves it’s a fake in the presence of Sydney Greenstreet and Peter Lorre. Greenstreet buys Bogart’s Casablanca nightclub, where Lorre was recently arrested, so that Bogart can help Paul Henreid run off with Ingrid Bergman. But Henreid stops to light cigarette with Bette Davis so Bogart gets on the plane to Lisbon with Bergman. When the plane is shot down, Bogart finds himself in the jungle with William Holden who has just escaped from a prison camp where Alec Guinness is building a bridge for the Japanese. Bogart and Holden stumble into the mission where Katherine Hepburn is living with her brother Robert Morley. While Holden decides to return to the prison camp to destroy the bridge, Hepburn convinces Bogart to travel down river to blow up a German gunship. When the plot fails, the two are taken on board The Caine to be hung. A mutiny spares the couple and the crew makes Bogart the new Captain thanks to his steel balls. Morley returns to his London club where David Niven bets him he can go around the world in 80 days. While in India, Niven rescues Shirley MacLaine from being burned alive but dumps her in New York where she shares an apartment with Jack Lemmon. Lemmon enters an auto race from New York to Paris along with Tony Curtis. The race takes them to Chicago where Tony and Jack witness a mob massacre. To escape the mob, they dress in drag and join an All-Girls band headlined by Marilyn Monroe. The band travels by bus to Florida. Enroute, Jon Voight informs the driver that Dustin Hoffman has just died of tuberculosis in the back seat where he was riding with Katherine Ross in a wedding dress. When the all the passengers begin to sing “the man on the flying trapeze”, the driver accidently runs off the road. Two of the passengers, Clark Gable and Claudette Colbert, leave the bus and hitch a ride to Atlanta where they evacuate Vivien Leigh as the city burns. The rest of the passengers walk to the farm of Peter Fonda, who is now a retired beekeeper with a name that I need to solve a crossword puzzle. Just before I can remember his name, the police bust in looking for Paul Newman who failed to communicate with the warden of a chain gang. They arrest Tony Curtis instead, handcuff him to Sidney Poitier who is late for dinner with Hepburn and Tracy who has one arm as he fights Borgnine, just a fat, little man … I woke up.
Wow.
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